Hang over from Hell

On the Sunday morning sidewalk,
Wishing, Lord, that I was stoned.
'Cos there's something in a Sunday,
Makes a body feel alone.
And there's nothin' short of dyin',
Half as lonesome as the sound,
On the sleepin' city sidewalks:
Sunday mornin' comin' down.

Kris Kristofferson

I think that says just about what I'm feeling on this hot Sunday mornin. I'm in the mood for some old school country music this morning. Some of those somebody done somebody wrong songs. I'm not sure why. I had a real honest to the goddess date last night with the man I'm apparently crazy about. We went out in public to a place that wasn't a bar - together. The first time in almost 2 years. Then we came back to my place and he blew my mind. Then he went home by 9:30. I just don't get it. How can a man NOT like to be woken up with sex? I'd love to wake up to a hard man inside me. Sounds kind of like heaven on earth to me. I don't actually sleep well with men though. I snore and toss and turn and wake up and watch TV and wonder around the house. I haven't actually slept with that many guys, maybe 4 counting the one I'm with now and my ex-husband, the preacher man. Bet you'd never guess I used to be a minister's wife for a minute. ;) Well, maybe for about a year, but a minute would have been better.

So many thoughts race through my mind constantly if I'm not drinking heavily. My mind is racing a million miles a minute. I can appear ditzy at times but dizzy would be a better word. I think entirely too much according to my friends. Although it comes in handy at work. Most days it's not unusual for me to be on the phone (wireless headset) talking to a client, shooting an email to one boy while another one is standing at my desk running off at the mouth and my desk radio is running in the background. Somehow I manage to not f*ck anything up too bad. It's a gift. I enjoy my job somedays and hate it others. I'm feeling kind of close to burned out on listening to whinny rich people everyday. When I feel it eat at my soul, that's when I hate it. When it's a challenge, a problem to fix, a paycheck, that 's when I love it.

I should be working on my book instead of this silly public diary. I enjoy writing almost as much as reading some days. It's always been a good way to quite the voices in my head, so to speak. I regularly excise my demons on paper or on my computer. I need to figure out a way to keep my son from reading it? If anyone reading this has a clue how to protect word docs, please let me know.

It's starting to feel like I found the right amounts of Diet Coke, cheeseburger, tots, ciggs, and drugs to almost function. Why did I wake up hurting and lonely? I'm so tired of waking up that way. Should I settle for less? Do I want to settle? Is he settling? Why can't I have what I want for once in my life? God if you're listening, Why? I give everyone else what they want if possible. I'm kind to small children and animals. I'm only a freak in bed, all others I'm fairly normal. Know which fork to use and to never pass the salt with out the pepper, what wines go with what food and what glass. I have to socilize with millionaires for work. I've had good home training. As a matter of fact, I broke up with my last boyfriend because he didn't have any home training and I couldn't take him out in public except for when my family was around. He was as redneck as some of them so that all got along. My parents wanted me to marry him, he wanted to marry me. But I didn't love him. I tried to. Real hard. He had a nice house, nice truck, good job, gave good presents, wasn't terrible in bed, had a harley (but I HATE motorcyles). But he got drunk at my friends parents house out of town with me and pissed off the front porch in front of people (and this was in a downtown area of Hot Springs, AR). I was f*cking furious when I found out and he was too stupid to realize it. How can you not tell if a redhead is simmering? And what really sucked about that whole situation was right after we got back they found is mama dead at home, natural causes. So I had to go to her funeral on my birthday this year and waited a week before I got out. He cried and then f*cked my ex-bestfriend after she had also had in a biblical sense the guy I had just started seeing next. That relationship was obviously destined to fail.