fate worse than death

Thank the goddess I was saved from a fate worse than death over the weekend. I originally thought it might be a good idea to spend some time with my man over the weekend even though we both had our children. But he kindly put a kabosh on that by just ignoring me most of the weekend. Whew! That was a close call. Who knows, if our children see us together they might start planning our mutual destruction. After all, why would I want to spend any time with the man I love, esp. if we can't fuck? Conversation and communication are both sooo over-rated.

I was trapped in my house due to bad weather and said child being home over the weekend. By Sunday afternoon I wasn't sure if we were both going to make it to Monday morning. So, off to the bar I went to watch a little round ball. The boys were all in rare form at the bar by the time the game started. By halftime, they were ripping off their boxers and briefs, writting their digits in the waist bands, and throwing them at me. Damn, it's good to me.

Fuck me

Well, I came home to my a/c not working today. I suspected there was a problem when I woke up sweating this morning. It was confirmed when I arrived home. My Satelite is also busted. Has been for a few weeks. Won't be working again until Saturday. No stereo - it's thorough the satelite. Oh woe is me! The only form of entertainment I've had for the last week or 2 is the computer. So....here goes the rant of the evening.

Considering the general suckyness of the current events like a house that was starting to get hot yesterday, no TV, no music, me loving a crazy man who doesn't give a shit about me, being broke, etc. I decided a little me time was in order after my son went to bed with my tiny little regular (non-satilite) radio and some toys of my own. I achieved a zen moment heretofore never achieved, almost, till I realized my son might hear and become concerned. So I pulled back at a most inoppertune time. This drove me to suspect that my life truly has become like that old Steve Martin movie "Parenthood". The scene with the single sister having one of her toys pulled out in front of everybody. I would die. But I can't seem to part with them either. They are always there for me when I need them. I've never been able to say that about a man. So the risk of public humiliation continues. The other part of the movie that I've noticed a disticntive resemblance to is the roller coaster scene at the end. My life is a roller coaster, and roller coasters make me physically ill. I just need a turn off the ride. I'm starting to feel sick.

Kiss you on the mouth

Danielle Peck says it really well in that song. That's what I want tonight. I want to be held and kissed. My day really sucked cosmically speaking. About the time I was getting ready for work this morning, a man with my same name died on the railroad tracks right in front of where I park for work. I hope this isn't some sick forshadowing of events about to unfold. According to the security guard at work, the body was still intact except for the brains and the top of the head. Those were scattered everywhere in between. Cops were all infront of my car this morning when I pulled into my spot. I saw the coroner's office carry away the body bag on my first smoke break. We smokers are confined to the garage(near where I park) or the basement. I always smoke near my car.

Well, good night, sleep tight.

Self Esteem: Is it really a good thing?

So, if self esteem is good, how do I acquire it? Is it something you are either born with or not, or can this trait be developed? If it can be developed how does one go about it? Is there an exercise I can practice or a book I can read?

Losing my mind out loud

Wow. Who knew I'd really loose it this quickly? I'm waaaay too young. I carried myself to the doctor for an up-age on my dos-age. Now I have enough happy pills to take two a day if I want for a while. WOO-HOO! Maybe the goddess doesn't hate me as much as I thought. See I'm having happier thoughts already. Better living through pharmaceuticals, especially if you have good insurance. I'm on a roll today ladies and gentlemen, see two happy thoughts in a row.

I may have to give up country music. They all remind me in some way of how my life hasn't turned out like what I always thought it would. Nothing has gone according to plan since I was old enough to have a plan. No worries though future subjects, when I'm queen of the world, I will fix all of that. Ha! Half of the songs are about how I wish my life was and the other half are about how pitiful things are now. I should be listening to some loud rock and roll or hip hop until my heart doesn't ache so badly. I can't drown my sorrows in a cold beer tonight. Someone here has to be responsible and I can't ask my 10 year old to do that. I won't. But, I have discovered that his father wants him for the holiday weekend. I need to find me someone with a boat and beer. Bad. I can always coat myself in SPF 60 every hour. I just need to get the F*ck out of dodge for a while. I was thinking about going to Hot Springs and checking on my friend, France, who has a broken ankle, but her sister beat me to it. Shucks.

I just can't afford to crack right now. I have bills and a child. I can come unglued in about 7 years and 2 months. Not that I'm counting. With proper planning, I can quit my job, sell my house and go to Australia for a while, and slap the s-h-i-t out of Andrew Fisher if i run into him. Then come back stateside and live where ever. Do odd jobs until I find my bliss. I always thought I'd have time to follow my bliss through college and at least for a little while after college. Who knew I'd be a wife and a mother by 20 and it took me a year to get that way. So, I had like 1 year and a half for following my bliss. Well, let me tell you, that's not nearly enough.

Hang over from Hell

On the Sunday morning sidewalk,
Wishing, Lord, that I was stoned.
'Cos there's something in a Sunday,
Makes a body feel alone.
And there's nothin' short of dyin',
Half as lonesome as the sound,
On the sleepin' city sidewalks:
Sunday mornin' comin' down.

Kris Kristofferson

I think that says just about what I'm feeling on this hot Sunday mornin. I'm in the mood for some old school country music this morning. Some of those somebody done somebody wrong songs. I'm not sure why. I had a real honest to the goddess date last night with the man I'm apparently crazy about. We went out in public to a place that wasn't a bar - together. The first time in almost 2 years. Then we came back to my place and he blew my mind. Then he went home by 9:30. I just don't get it. How can a man NOT like to be woken up with sex? I'd love to wake up to a hard man inside me. Sounds kind of like heaven on earth to me. I don't actually sleep well with men though. I snore and toss and turn and wake up and watch TV and wonder around the house. I haven't actually slept with that many guys, maybe 4 counting the one I'm with now and my ex-husband, the preacher man. Bet you'd never guess I used to be a minister's wife for a minute. ;) Well, maybe for about a year, but a minute would have been better.

So many thoughts race through my mind constantly if I'm not drinking heavily. My mind is racing a million miles a minute. I can appear ditzy at times but dizzy would be a better word. I think entirely too much according to my friends. Although it comes in handy at work. Most days it's not unusual for me to be on the phone (wireless headset) talking to a client, shooting an email to one boy while another one is standing at my desk running off at the mouth and my desk radio is running in the background. Somehow I manage to not f*ck anything up too bad. It's a gift. I enjoy my job somedays and hate it others. I'm feeling kind of close to burned out on listening to whinny rich people everyday. When I feel it eat at my soul, that's when I hate it. When it's a challenge, a problem to fix, a paycheck, that 's when I love it.

I should be working on my book instead of this silly public diary. I enjoy writing almost as much as reading some days. It's always been a good way to quite the voices in my head, so to speak. I regularly excise my demons on paper or on my computer. I need to figure out a way to keep my son from reading it? If anyone reading this has a clue how to protect word docs, please let me know.

It's starting to feel like I found the right amounts of Diet Coke, cheeseburger, tots, ciggs, and drugs to almost function. Why did I wake up hurting and lonely? I'm so tired of waking up that way. Should I settle for less? Do I want to settle? Is he settling? Why can't I have what I want for once in my life? God if you're listening, Why? I give everyone else what they want if possible. I'm kind to small children and animals. I'm only a freak in bed, all others I'm fairly normal. Know which fork to use and to never pass the salt with out the pepper, what wines go with what food and what glass. I have to socilize with millionaires for work. I've had good home training. As a matter of fact, I broke up with my last boyfriend because he didn't have any home training and I couldn't take him out in public except for when my family was around. He was as redneck as some of them so that all got along. My parents wanted me to marry him, he wanted to marry me. But I didn't love him. I tried to. Real hard. He had a nice house, nice truck, good job, gave good presents, wasn't terrible in bed, had a harley (but I HATE motorcyles). But he got drunk at my friends parents house out of town with me and pissed off the front porch in front of people (and this was in a downtown area of Hot Springs, AR). I was f*cking furious when I found out and he was too stupid to realize it. How can you not tell if a redhead is simmering? And what really sucked about that whole situation was right after we got back they found is mama dead at home, natural causes. So I had to go to her funeral on my birthday this year and waited a week before I got out. He cried and then f*cked my ex-bestfriend after she had also had in a biblical sense the guy I had just started seeing next. That relationship was obviously destined to fail.

Men: Who needs them anyway?

So...here sits a single, attractive strawberry blond alone at home. Well, maybe that's not the whole story. Here sits a determined and stubborn single mom who just won't give up. That maybe a little bit closer to the enigma that types before you. Why would a good looking woman sit around and type bullshit when I could be living the dream? That is the million dollar question. Yet here I sit before you on a Thursday night while my child is practicing soccer moves against my bedroom wall outside and type. I could be spending my time other wise, but this is what has to be for now.

I only have another 7 to 8 years left of my sentence. I will say this for my child - I wouldn't change a thing if I had to give up my son. He is the reason I get up in the mornings and try to be a functioning member of society. Although I have started to realize that he will eventually grow up and leave me. What reason will I have to get up then? He'll still need me, just not everyday and he won't be living with me for the rest of his life. Well at least not if I have anything to say in the matter, and believe you me I do.

I need to find me. I started this quest a couple of years ago at the advice of my therapist. She was the one who finally pointed out the fallacy of my argument that my son was a good enough reason to get out of bed. She flat out told me that the only way she could help me was if I got a different job and found a man. So I got a different job with different insurance that didn't cover the therapy and found a man. In that order. Fucked up itsn't it? AND to top it all off, I found a man who was more fucked up than me. Go figure.